Suffocate And Gasping For an Air

What's life? For me, the best definition for a life is a disaster, a one living hell and turning a human into a living corpse. People often said that life has its ups and downs. From the viewed of my own perception, it slowly killing people and always at the point of bringing people down.

Its 31st of december today and I'm gonna start a new chapter starting tomorrow and honestly speaking, I'm not looking forward for a celebration. Every day I spend pondering about things that have to do with life. Most all of them make me feel helpless. It seems like there is no universal answers out there and people agree and disagree on every single topic. Here's some examples. Why is there something instead of nothingness, why must we have so much of god test, is life really what it seems. From here I try to look up stuff to help me out with questions like these and it just makes it worse. It seems like all philosophical questions have no answer's to them. Stuff like solipsism and nihilism really scare me. New philosophical things always pop up into my head everyday for me to worry about. I feel like I'm losing my mind over these things.

Million Miles Apart

Sunday- 9th July 2011

Time : 12.15pm

Thousand miles away... Thank you masterskills =) I appreciated you for sending my friend away to Beaufort, Sabah for practical where I doubt that its the best decision to do so. I wonder what am I suppose to do on every weekends now... Things and routine has changed for the worst but I will always pray for your success and wellness. I see you soon in sabah =)

Fade To Black

I cry for the first time that you were almost mine,

I cry for the memories I've left behind,

I cry for the pain, the lost, the old and the new,

I cry for the times I thought I had you.

What else could you take away from me when I gave you everything that you ever wanted. Nothing seems so right when I'm with you. There's a laugh but behind it I believe you didn't see it was just a tears. Call me a hypocrite, I did that because I hate seeing you hurt or sad.

I still remember the day I know you through my friends. It was February 9, your birthday and I wished you. I remember how you look like, your hair was short, you were thin and you have pimples that you hate most. That was years ago. Was it stone age? I can't recall. I met you for the 1st time on april 11th. You were wearing a white sweater with black jeans and flip flops. I remember the time I was thinking that you dyed your hair because it look sticky and its so black. Sadly, I was wronged. You were wearing some kind of a hair moisturiser. We went to curve on our 1st date. We had a long talk, a long walk looking for datin sri's coffee table, a gossip at nando's and i laughed so hard till my contact lens went up. It was stupid.

The day I met you was the day I intro you to my cousin and her boyfriend. We went straight to Rasta for shisha and you vomited because it was your 1st time and my mistake for not taking you for a dinner. You were blushing and that was the time I realize you are cute, adorable and my type. As the time past, an hour feels like a minute, I enjoyed every single nano seconds with you. We decided to hang out at thai club. How crazy. The day we had our 1st date was the day we decided for a clubbing. That was the very 1st time I hold your hand, we dance together and I hugged you.

I'm starting to ran out of ideas on how or what to write. Tears is falling. The memories we had, things we went through is priceless and nothing can be compared with. It was about 3.30am and I sent you home. You got practical work at 7.30am and I felt guilty for sending you late. I park my car outside your house so your housemate wont see me, We had a talk, a really nice conversation till 5,45am about you, things you like, things you did and I started to story about myself. That was the time I saw the real you. How sweet, can be annoying at time, a clown and honest.

I always love you and accept you the way you are. At the stage of depression now, I hope you understand and get to know me better. I can't accept the facts I'm about to lose you. All i can say is that i love you with all my heart. Always do and always will. You taught me the true meaning of love,taught me how to smile,and how to be happy again. I just want you to know that my love for you will never fade and I'll fight for you till the end.

From Here to Eternity ~

Memories fill my head as i look at a picture of us.
Do you remember that day? The day you told me you loved me..
The day you said we'd b together. I should have known it was to good to be true.Cause no one is as good as you. You were perfect.The one everyone wanted. I remember the day you walked like it just happened. You said that you wont do this anymore and I buy every single words you said. Then, you look away and let go of my hand. You didn't care if i was ok or not.

Tears fill my eyes and my throat begins to burn.
I cant seem to learn.

I always miss you though you are next to me.
The memories hurt.
But I want to remember everything.
I NEED to remember it.
Because

I always love you ♥

Letting Go

In my life i have seen the sun shine
In my life i have felt the rain
through the livid through the fire
I have been through all of life's sweet gain
but how do i get to heaven
know that i am only human
how do i reach perfection?

life is strange
I need a change
a new life a new beginning
tell me what lies waiting for me
a new life a new beginning
I' m ready for my world, my destiny

Today is a new day,
If you stay down life will pass you by,
So help yourself get up,
fight the battle and win.

There is a plan, a destiny that awaits you,
Do not question your destiny,
Do not ask questions such as why me?
Accept the path that has been laid in front of you.

Do not be afraid,
Take one day at a time,
Be proud of who you are,
Walk with courage and your head up high,

Believe in yourself,
Focus on the positive,
For the footsteps imbedded in ground of your new path will become the solid

p/s : I found it funny when I able to create shit like this but unable to do anything that is good from injuring myself. Once you are down, never do stupid stuff. Be strong, go out with your friends and find something that can chill your mind.

Ways To Keep A Relationship

1. LOVE EACH OTHER SINCERELY.

2. Don't lie.

3. Keep communication open.

4. When you get hurt, forgive and forget.

5. Never talk about break-ups.

6. Never say "it's okay", even when it's not.

7. Forget about "pride".

8. If you say sorry, mean it.

9. Don't compare your past, with your present.

10. Give & take process.

11. Don't talk about your ex's.

12. Beware of his/her feelings.

13. When you had a fight, don't let the day pass.

14. Don't be only partners, but best-friends.

15. Don't flirt with another guy/girl.

16. HAVE FUN, go out!

17. Don't treat their forgiveness like it's expected.

18. Don't hide what you're thinking, tell them.

19. Remember; we all make mistakes & have pasts.

20. Don't question each others feelings.

21. Don't take him/her for granted.

22. Never go to bed angry.

23. Don't be afraid to be you!

24. Have time, energy & effort.

25. Don't lose yourself in the 'us'.

26. Don't say things you don't mean.

27. Little things make big differences.

28. Give each other space, don't be over possessive.

One And A half Years

I take a look at the time and its almost 3am and I just had a birthday few hours ago. The best thing, unforgettable memories I had in Penang. Spend my days with QeeQee, someone who dearly at my heart. I'm currently sitting under a tree at Lake Garden expressing my feelings on my blog.

Qeeqee was a year older than me. You was super short and fun. I liked you alot because we could have fun and talk. I ingat lagi you asked me out a week before 11th April 2011. In the heat of the moment, I said YES. I don’t think I would have regretted it so much…I stupidly waited for you..for one and a half years I've been liking you secretly. Qeeqee and I lived 200miles away from each other but it didn't stopped us from meeting up on every weekends. Friday to sunday, the days when i get to hold your hands and kissed it and makes me smile. My birthday was yesterday and we went to Feringgi and spent 5hours at the beach listening to your laughed, the moment when i silent and smile thinking if I still had a chance to do this again next year with you but I tahu you ingat I bosan and mengantuk. I know I'm not the best for you but I love you sincerely from heart. Its been few weeks asyik gaduh and I cried and i hurt you. I never meant to hurt you but I pray to god that you sincere and honest with me. If my story ends tonight and god takes my life away and he ask for my last wish, I will definitely pray for your change and happiness because I don't mind if I get hurt but not you. My heart can never be repaired.

Little To Live For

depression and happy, are they much different?

I knew I was feeling down but I didn't know I was clinically depression. I grew up with a lot of hate and fear, anger which kept my health always in a negative frame. As I got older the patterns kept coming such as more abuse in many different ways also causing deep depression and wondering why I was born and why me? I just kept shoving all these nasty feeling further down burying them in my cells so I thought I could escape from them instead of dealing with them, tranquilizers numbed me a bit but never completely, so I just got sicker & sicker physically, emotionally and spiritually. I crossed over as in death through my many illnesses and found myself wondering why I was struggling on this earthplane when it was so peaceful on the other side, the only thing that stopped me was because of someone who very dear to me. I was sick and tired of hating being here and being forever ill in one form or another. It didn't take long to feel even worse discovering that everything that had happened to me was what I had created , boy that one threw me for a loop big time but being very defiant in nature I was about to go on a journey of self healing not really believing yet that it was true to find that under my misery in depression was many layers I had to deal with up front and very personal exposing myself in front of others was a real hard thing to do. How crazy are we to give ourselves a life sentence of misery from what others had done? Probably because deep down I knew I had allowed it all so it was me ,the first one I had to forgive for all my past mistakes in this life and every other lifetime I have ever lived .I even met someone I really love by divine intervention but now that is another story on how that happened.

When your sick to your stomach laying in your bed, your eyes burning with tears, knowing in your heart that your life will never be perfect again. On the edge of throwing up, and waking up the next morning just as sick as you were the night before and the nights before that. Not being able to sleep because you can’t relax your mind with all the debris of the heartache flying around and smashing into each other like uncontrollable emotions stuck in a jail cell. Knowing that you was the one and knowing that I will never have you back is the suckiest feeling I ever had. Scared of being alone but not wanting to be close to anyone ever again. Petrified of ever reliving this feeling because you do not know if you could survive it for a second time. Asking yourself “why” every single night for months. Wondering what is so wrong with you and wondering why the love you feel burning inside you isn’t burning the same way in them. Trying not to break down whenever you pass them or see them in public. Drinking just to keep from thinking of them every night. Still just as in love as the day you met, even though you’ve been apart for over months. Knowing your life will never be what you wanted and knowing you will never be truly happy. Drinking just to forget and calling to hear their voice just to remember. Feeling warm and cold at the same time whenever you see them. Wanting to see them but come so close to cracking when you do, you can’t remember why you do it to yourself. Laying with them on your couch for old times sake but knowing they will never be yours to hold again. You might get a hug but knowing you will never get a hug like you used to get. When you look into their eyes, it’s not the same as when you would get lost in them. The smile can still make you crumble, but it’s more painful these days. Your voice will still make my heart do a flip, but lately the heart hasn’t been landing it’s flips to well and comes close to never getting up. When you hear about them with someone else, it kills you but you act as if you couldn’t care less. You play it off like it’s in the past and it doesn’t matter anymore but deep down you still wish you could just roll over and die. Being so depressed and shy to even let them know how you feel. Scared of saying anything to them out of fear that you might lose the small amount of relationship you have left with them. The occasional phone calls and visits are all that keep you going and you dread the day they end, even though you dread every phone call and visit. Every time you pass where they live, you look for their car in the parking lot. Every time you see their name on the caller ID, they are the first person to be called back, even though you might act like they were your last priority. You sincerely care if their life is on track or if they are truly happy and deep down that is all you really want for them. Even though it kills you not to have them if they are happier without you, that is what you want them to have. This is love. Not the shit in the movies. Not Hollywood. Not what fall out boy sings about. Nothing Madonna has ever experienced. The rare, and powerful emotion that is confused so often for lust.