Suffocate And Gasping For an Air

What's life? For me, the best definition for a life is a disaster, a one living hell and turning a human into a living corpse. People often said that life has its ups and downs. From the viewed of my own perception, it slowly killing people and always at the point of bringing people down.

Its 31st of december today and I'm gonna start a new chapter starting tomorrow and honestly speaking, I'm not looking forward for a celebration. Every day I spend pondering about things that have to do with life. Most all of them make me feel helpless. It seems like there is no universal answers out there and people agree and disagree on every single topic. Here's some examples. Why is there something instead of nothingness, why must we have so much of god test, is life really what it seems. From here I try to look up stuff to help me out with questions like these and it just makes it worse. It seems like all philosophical questions have no answer's to them. Stuff like solipsism and nihilism really scare me. New philosophical things always pop up into my head everyday for me to worry about. I feel like I'm losing my mind over these things.

Million Miles Apart

Sunday- 9th July 2011

Time : 12.15pm

Thousand miles away... Thank you masterskills =) I appreciated you for sending my friend away to Beaufort, Sabah for practical where I doubt that its the best decision to do so. I wonder what am I suppose to do on every weekends now... Things and routine has changed for the worst but I will always pray for your success and wellness. I see you soon in sabah =)

Fade To Black

I cry for the first time that you were almost mine,

I cry for the memories I've left behind,

I cry for the pain, the lost, the old and the new,

I cry for the times I thought I had you.

What else could you take away from me when I gave you everything that you ever wanted. Nothing seems so right when I'm with you. There's a laugh but behind it I believe you didn't see it was just a tears. Call me a hypocrite, I did that because I hate seeing you hurt or sad.

I still remember the day I know you through my friends. It was February 9, your birthday and I wished you. I remember how you look like, your hair was short, you were thin and you have pimples that you hate most. That was years ago. Was it stone age? I can't recall. I met you for the 1st time on april 11th. You were wearing a white sweater with black jeans and flip flops. I remember the time I was thinking that you dyed your hair because it look sticky and its so black. Sadly, I was wronged. You were wearing some kind of a hair moisturiser. We went to curve on our 1st date. We had a long talk, a long walk looking for datin sri's coffee table, a gossip at nando's and i laughed so hard till my contact lens went up. It was stupid.

The day I met you was the day I intro you to my cousin and her boyfriend. We went straight to Rasta for shisha and you vomited because it was your 1st time and my mistake for not taking you for a dinner. You were blushing and that was the time I realize you are cute, adorable and my type. As the time past, an hour feels like a minute, I enjoyed every single nano seconds with you. We decided to hang out at thai club. How crazy. The day we had our 1st date was the day we decided for a clubbing. That was the very 1st time I hold your hand, we dance together and I hugged you.

I'm starting to ran out of ideas on how or what to write. Tears is falling. The memories we had, things we went through is priceless and nothing can be compared with. It was about 3.30am and I sent you home. You got practical work at 7.30am and I felt guilty for sending you late. I park my car outside your house so your housemate wont see me, We had a talk, a really nice conversation till 5,45am about you, things you like, things you did and I started to story about myself. That was the time I saw the real you. How sweet, can be annoying at time, a clown and honest.

I always love you and accept you the way you are. At the stage of depression now, I hope you understand and get to know me better. I can't accept the facts I'm about to lose you. All i can say is that i love you with all my heart. Always do and always will. You taught me the true meaning of love,taught me how to smile,and how to be happy again. I just want you to know that my love for you will never fade and I'll fight for you till the end.

From Here to Eternity ~

Memories fill my head as i look at a picture of us.
Do you remember that day? The day you told me you loved me..
The day you said we'd b together. I should have known it was to good to be true.Cause no one is as good as you. You were perfect.The one everyone wanted. I remember the day you walked like it just happened. You said that you wont do this anymore and I buy every single words you said. Then, you look away and let go of my hand. You didn't care if i was ok or not.

Tears fill my eyes and my throat begins to burn.
I cant seem to learn.

I always miss you though you are next to me.
The memories hurt.
But I want to remember everything.
I NEED to remember it.
Because

I always love you ♥

Letting Go

In my life i have seen the sun shine
In my life i have felt the rain
through the livid through the fire
I have been through all of life's sweet gain
but how do i get to heaven
know that i am only human
how do i reach perfection?

life is strange
I need a change
a new life a new beginning
tell me what lies waiting for me
a new life a new beginning
I' m ready for my world, my destiny

Today is a new day,
If you stay down life will pass you by,
So help yourself get up,
fight the battle and win.

There is a plan, a destiny that awaits you,
Do not question your destiny,
Do not ask questions such as why me?
Accept the path that has been laid in front of you.

Do not be afraid,
Take one day at a time,
Be proud of who you are,
Walk with courage and your head up high,

Believe in yourself,
Focus on the positive,
For the footsteps imbedded in ground of your new path will become the solid

p/s : I found it funny when I able to create shit like this but unable to do anything that is good from injuring myself. Once you are down, never do stupid stuff. Be strong, go out with your friends and find something that can chill your mind.

Ways To Keep A Relationship

1. LOVE EACH OTHER SINCERELY.

2. Don't lie.

3. Keep communication open.

4. When you get hurt, forgive and forget.

5. Never talk about break-ups.

6. Never say "it's okay", even when it's not.

7. Forget about "pride".

8. If you say sorry, mean it.

9. Don't compare your past, with your present.

10. Give & take process.

11. Don't talk about your ex's.

12. Beware of his/her feelings.

13. When you had a fight, don't let the day pass.

14. Don't be only partners, but best-friends.

15. Don't flirt with another guy/girl.

16. HAVE FUN, go out!

17. Don't treat their forgiveness like it's expected.

18. Don't hide what you're thinking, tell them.

19. Remember; we all make mistakes & have pasts.

20. Don't question each others feelings.

21. Don't take him/her for granted.

22. Never go to bed angry.

23. Don't be afraid to be you!

24. Have time, energy & effort.

25. Don't lose yourself in the 'us'.

26. Don't say things you don't mean.

27. Little things make big differences.

28. Give each other space, don't be over possessive.

One And A half Years

I take a look at the time and its almost 3am and I just had a birthday few hours ago. The best thing, unforgettable memories I had in Penang. Spend my days with QeeQee, someone who dearly at my heart. I'm currently sitting under a tree at Lake Garden expressing my feelings on my blog.

Qeeqee was a year older than me. You was super short and fun. I liked you alot because we could have fun and talk. I ingat lagi you asked me out a week before 11th April 2011. In the heat of the moment, I said YES. I don’t think I would have regretted it so much…I stupidly waited for you..for one and a half years I've been liking you secretly. Qeeqee and I lived 200miles away from each other but it didn't stopped us from meeting up on every weekends. Friday to sunday, the days when i get to hold your hands and kissed it and makes me smile. My birthday was yesterday and we went to Feringgi and spent 5hours at the beach listening to your laughed, the moment when i silent and smile thinking if I still had a chance to do this again next year with you but I tahu you ingat I bosan and mengantuk. I know I'm not the best for you but I love you sincerely from heart. Its been few weeks asyik gaduh and I cried and i hurt you. I never meant to hurt you but I pray to god that you sincere and honest with me. If my story ends tonight and god takes my life away and he ask for my last wish, I will definitely pray for your change and happiness because I don't mind if I get hurt but not you. My heart can never be repaired.

Little To Live For

depression and happy, are they much different?

I knew I was feeling down but I didn't know I was clinically depression. I grew up with a lot of hate and fear, anger which kept my health always in a negative frame. As I got older the patterns kept coming such as more abuse in many different ways also causing deep depression and wondering why I was born and why me? I just kept shoving all these nasty feeling further down burying them in my cells so I thought I could escape from them instead of dealing with them, tranquilizers numbed me a bit but never completely, so I just got sicker & sicker physically, emotionally and spiritually. I crossed over as in death through my many illnesses and found myself wondering why I was struggling on this earthplane when it was so peaceful on the other side, the only thing that stopped me was because of someone who very dear to me. I was sick and tired of hating being here and being forever ill in one form or another. It didn't take long to feel even worse discovering that everything that had happened to me was what I had created , boy that one threw me for a loop big time but being very defiant in nature I was about to go on a journey of self healing not really believing yet that it was true to find that under my misery in depression was many layers I had to deal with up front and very personal exposing myself in front of others was a real hard thing to do. How crazy are we to give ourselves a life sentence of misery from what others had done? Probably because deep down I knew I had allowed it all so it was me ,the first one I had to forgive for all my past mistakes in this life and every other lifetime I have ever lived .I even met someone I really love by divine intervention but now that is another story on how that happened.

When your sick to your stomach laying in your bed, your eyes burning with tears, knowing in your heart that your life will never be perfect again. On the edge of throwing up, and waking up the next morning just as sick as you were the night before and the nights before that. Not being able to sleep because you can’t relax your mind with all the debris of the heartache flying around and smashing into each other like uncontrollable emotions stuck in a jail cell. Knowing that you was the one and knowing that I will never have you back is the suckiest feeling I ever had. Scared of being alone but not wanting to be close to anyone ever again. Petrified of ever reliving this feeling because you do not know if you could survive it for a second time. Asking yourself “why” every single night for months. Wondering what is so wrong with you and wondering why the love you feel burning inside you isn’t burning the same way in them. Trying not to break down whenever you pass them or see them in public. Drinking just to keep from thinking of them every night. Still just as in love as the day you met, even though you’ve been apart for over months. Knowing your life will never be what you wanted and knowing you will never be truly happy. Drinking just to forget and calling to hear their voice just to remember. Feeling warm and cold at the same time whenever you see them. Wanting to see them but come so close to cracking when you do, you can’t remember why you do it to yourself. Laying with them on your couch for old times sake but knowing they will never be yours to hold again. You might get a hug but knowing you will never get a hug like you used to get. When you look into their eyes, it’s not the same as when you would get lost in them. The smile can still make you crumble, but it’s more painful these days. Your voice will still make my heart do a flip, but lately the heart hasn’t been landing it’s flips to well and comes close to never getting up. When you hear about them with someone else, it kills you but you act as if you couldn’t care less. You play it off like it’s in the past and it doesn’t matter anymore but deep down you still wish you could just roll over and die. Being so depressed and shy to even let them know how you feel. Scared of saying anything to them out of fear that you might lose the small amount of relationship you have left with them. The occasional phone calls and visits are all that keep you going and you dread the day they end, even though you dread every phone call and visit. Every time you pass where they live, you look for their car in the parking lot. Every time you see their name on the caller ID, they are the first person to be called back, even though you might act like they were your last priority. You sincerely care if their life is on track or if they are truly happy and deep down that is all you really want for them. Even though it kills you not to have them if they are happier without you, that is what you want them to have. This is love. Not the shit in the movies. Not Hollywood. Not what fall out boy sings about. Nothing Madonna has ever experienced. The rare, and powerful emotion that is confused so often for lust.

A Dash of Honey

Sometimes if you do it right, you might get the chance to feel like disney's love classic

I like to leave love notes for my sayang. It is a nice little surprise when you finds them. Generally what I like to do is make a small card by folding over a small piece of paper and put it in a capsule and fills it in a bottle. I usually write a little teaser on the front followed by three periods. Inside the sentence is completed with a heartfelt expression of love.

This love note is very happy thought, and it is so true.

The closer I am to you...
the happier I am.

I met my sayang at mid for the 1st time. After we talked on the phone for the very first time on the 15th, I remember hanging up the phone and saying to myself, "Wow, you're amazing!". This love note is a reference to that first phone call.

'You have Wowed me from the very beginning.'

I love hugs.

I love to hold you in my arms.

You don't have to be perfect, to be perfect for me.

I think our relationship is beautiful.

My sayang is always on my mind. I wrote this love note to tell I am always fondly thinking about you.

You make me a very happy man.

I miss your warmth sayang

I love you, not for what you are, but for what I am when I am with you.
Roy Croft

2010 memories

Had the most awesomeness 2010 memories. My ingredients for 2010 was a mixture of a lil bit of bitter, sweet, happy, sad and love. At the starting of the year of 2010, things were quite heavy and ugly but then it wasn't that bad. I find it quite funny after reminiscing and how emo and miserable i was during the year.

At the beginning, my life was ugly as Macy Gray. No joke. Had a family problem, a problem with myself, with friends ( you know who you are ), money and business crisis and lots more. To be more specific, I'm way worst than Naomi Campbell's life. My life was good as hell for 11months until November appeared. Met someone who is a great person and taught me how to pray again. I even feel like an old me back and that's a good thing.

I think I don't need to story from A-Z about my life because that's what I've been doing to my psychiatrist and she said i talked to much about myself. Cant help it. I have self-obsession. I didn't celebrate new year's eve last night because a very dear friend of mine, Zack.F went back home at the crucial time on the 31st of Dec but we had a great time together since 23rd-24th of Dec and 28th-31st of Dec.

Zackirina =)

The most awesome Fathurina =)

My awesome mum, Minirina

Ain't he adorable??

Last day visiting mama's office with Zack.F

Zack.F, Mama and me. Some random treats from mama after busy cleaning up the office

Both perasan comel

Hot dog for lunch with family in Ikea

Bimble bee smelly hat

Homemade pie from Zack.F to mama???

Cleaning up the files from 1990-2010.

Aunt and Batrisyia was relaxing while both of was busy cleaning up the junks

Shinmino desert at ikea

Window shopping and wishing he had bought me something

Checking out Christmas present and decoration in curve

In cineleisure mall before dinner

Mama newest son. keluar dari perut je dah umur 21

Mr. Smelly Popeye =)

Zack.F was busy helping mama cleaning up the files

Otw to mum's office getting reading to pack up stuff

Si buncit

The 1st friend who able to drive mama's car. She doesn't let anyone drives it.

The Truth.

It has been months since the last I've updated my blog and it's not that I doesn't have interesting story to tell, it just that I'm lost the right words to say and the story isn't exactly what I want to share. But since I have decided to blog again, the story is gonna be about me.

Life has been crazy. It's like the madness drunk club. You wake up one morning, you got the headache and you forgot everything about lastnight but the remains stick with you. So I’ve been stressing out a little bit lately. I am one of the most screwed up persons that you’ve heard of. I’m collapsing under my insecurity. Crushed by my past, my present, and my future. For I know what lies ahead in this life is sorrow, misery and grief. No one knows this more than I, though people claim I’m too young to fully grasp what life has to offer. So wrong they are. I have life pinned down in its fetal position, screaming its ugly truths to me in terror. I soak it all in. I learn from it. I get depressed from it. Then I stick my head up high and act like nothing bothers me.

It wasn’t until a few months ago that reality hit me like a brick on glass. I shattered, then immediately tried to put myself back together. I spent long nights staring at my ceiling, reflecting on my past. I realized my life is a wreck. It’s depressing to look in a mirror and literally jump back at whose staring back at you, to realize you’ve been living behind a wall of insecurity. And now that wall has come down, exposing me to the real world. Why did life become so hard? I guess it just crept up on me.

My family has been broken ever since before i knew I'm living with a broken family.The message I heard growing up was nothing is absolute, if you hurt me, you deserve my silence and my wrath. Family means nothing, helping a sibling because he is your brother or she's your sister holds no weight and is absolutely meaningless. To say hurtful words to a sibling was completely the norm when I was younger. There was no support, acceptance or even caring. We were constantly testing each other and cared only until the next time one hurt the other. Then the whole relationship was out the window. There was no understanding, no allowance for the rest of the relationship, no crossing the bridge to make things better or work things out. It was all or nothing. Life was one big game of walking on eggshells. This was my first lesson in interpersonal relationships.

Meanwhile I have found and cherish the surrogate family that I have in my life. I have friends that have become my sisters and brothers, those friends that I can share my true feelings, true fears and just to talk through something to find a healthy way through it. In my growth I've learned how powerful it is to look at an issue from the other person's side. I remember the first time I heard this , I couldn't even understand that concept. I've also learned that I cannot change the world and I cannot change another person, what I can change is myself. As Hillel says "if I am not for myself than who am I?" God created me in this reality and with that gave me the power, strength, fortitude and knowledge to change.

I did a lot of mistakes in my life and living in regrets. Whenever I'm stress, I tend to do something stupid. I tried to smoke, I was a drinker and I wasn't like this a year ago. I'm only human when I'm with IAZ. Though family has been broken ever since I was 5, you the only that knows how to calm and carve a smile on my face.

You You You And It's Always Been You

I still remember the summer when we first met
The times we spent together I have never been able to forget
Something inside of me told me it was so right
Because even on the cloudiest days, when I was with you, the sun shone so bright

Then, without warning, you just went away
I could never forget how I felt that day
It felt like my world was crashing down around me
Being without you made it hard to breathe

I moved on and started other relationships
But for some reason it was always you that I missed
No matter how hard I tried, you just couldn't be replaced
My love for you would not be erased

After a while, I saw that no one has ever been able to duplicate
Your laugh, your touch, your smile, your face
The way I felt when I was with you was simply unmatched
To you is where my heart has always been attached

HotSexyWickedlyAttractive's Farewell Party

Atok, 1more day to go then u chao for another 1 and a 1/2 years. Sigh. I'm bloody regret on the day we out and sory if i was emo, you know that's not the real me Haha I'm way fun and crazy outside, every time i looked at you, all i think is about you, your flight and your ausie :( That's the main reason why i gave the "goldfish" looks.

I had fun, really really fun. The best part was you and aliph talking about the hormones. Thank you for all the info's about his habits and "YOURS" HAHAHA Aiman, for real I thought you are skematic type, 156% clean and honestly, it makes me uncomfortable with it. I wanted to join the crazy talk, but thanks to you, your leaving makes me really emo -__- Tetek lah kau aiman !! For the very 1st time I've seen Aiman acting randomly and syndrome-ish. So all this time was just an acting with me?!?! HAHA You acted politely when we had lunch, you even censored all the dirty words then suddenly, kabooosh, the real Aiman shows up. However, I really like his new character. Do i look alim much to go for a skematic person? Fuck no HAHA Pening aku layan satu beruk terencat and budak syndrome x)

An hour + passed by, then we make our move to Curve cos he gotta meet up with his friends. So, basically it was just me and Aliph left. While waiting for my atok, we decided to go for an ice cream at baskin's and gossip about our ex'es, crushy and many more to be listed :) It was gila drama, Aliph, the queen of drama. I wonder if Oprah's interested in Aliph's so called "novel". While listening to his stories, it was more like he's the Titanic and I'm the crew. It was very dramatic and very interesting :) But moral of the story, he's an asshole ;) *I dont think I need to state the reasons why* Somehow the day just got more interesting, I met this bunch of group who actually knows me HAHA They know my name and they recognized me with the new looks. I always forgot how famous I am and thanks to all the fans for reminding me who I really am :)

It was about 6.40pm and gedik received a call from atok that he's done with his friends. I feel so sucks for rejecting his request. Aiman wanted to karaoke but thanks to mama for freezing my account and so we end up for bowling. I'm not pro just yet and just so you know, the last time i had bowling was about 2 years ago with the Parma's. I had so much fun since luck was by myside. I think i got strike more than 8-9 times and this is not a lie !! HAHA I can tell by their faces, Aiman was pissed and Aliph punya mulut ternganga lepas i got strike for the first game HAHA ambik korang. I think i learnt something new from Aiman on that day, he thought me dance, a very sexy flirty dance with his sexy postures HAHA * I record that bitch* >:) Bowling game was about to end and thank god it was the last game when my knee's injury attacked. It was sweet of him to give me a ride home and thank you for noticing, yeah the place is fuckin scary HAHA

Atok Damha Namia

The drama queen

The balls doesnt help much, its the skills that required ;)

Aiman with his pro moves

Him and His Ausie

Damha Namia

Damn. Somebody is flying soon and I'm still unprepared. I haven't start any of his grand farewell party although I have lots of plan on my mind. I'm so sorry Aiman :'( Seriously, I really hate seeing you fly but no matter what I have to support you since you going to Ausie for a study :) Trust me, if you leave me for more than a year, you gonna end up people finding u in a sewers !! (I meant it)

Ahmad Aiman bin Ariffin, he is one of my most awesome friends. A guy who is a good listener, trust me he has been my ears since the day i met him. I dont think I ever had a fight with him before, well that's because I'm not aliph HAHAHA and one of the reasons is because he is such a great friend and aku sayang kat kau, Aiman.

We met through a very weird way. I know him through Friendster couple of years ago. Then suddenly we end up being a friend ever since I texted him and was hoping to meet up. The 1st time we met was at the Help University College, it was at conference hall and yeahhh the dude was fucking scared to meet me HAHA We had a gossip and talked a lot while he was having his fries at MC'D, then amazingly we found out that we are neighbors :D I know him too well, one of the things that he randomly do is, he'll sing when he walks, always count his steps, he blow his hair after he got tired of laughing and many other unlisted awesome things about him :)

Aiman Aiman, I really hope that is not true about you leaving to Ausie for a year. 9th of February, 4 more days to go. No worries cos no matter what, I'm happy for you. It's once in a life time opportunity and I'm so visiting you since you going to my hometown :) March, then i promise i will fly to Brisbane then we do all the crazy stuff together. I will do Doa selamat for you, my family and I prayers is on you Ahmad Aiman bin Ariffin. I hope everything will goes well. I'm starting to miss you

sincerely,
Fathur Pattinson

feb 21st

February,

The holy month that scares me the most
Everything about February reminds me of you
Your smell, your touch, your kiss, your breath, your love and all your bitter sweet memories
February, thank you for making me sick again
I can survive on next to nothing
I can get by on rationed loving
But,
I cannot thrive

Dear Holy February,
I stay alive with pinched lips and hungry eyes
I tell myself lies about better tomorrows alibis
To cover the sorrow that i felt inside

As for me
My storehouse has little in store
Winter snows will freeze even my bones
I need more of February

February,
4months has gone
And you have been gone away happily
When February past,
Apart of me died
Tho the Holy scares me
Trust me
Nothing beats this month
Cause February is the best thing i ever had

Two Royalty In Action

What the feathers. I couldn't sleep at all last night cos my knee was throbbing like hell and trust me, it feels shitty. So, today i was 5ominutes late for my morning class. Thank god mama was the one who sent me. I didn't enjoy much in my psychology class today cos seriously, Mr Sebastian were talking mostly about sex Haha Damn, seriously whats with the Anal and Oral has to do with psychology?!?! Maybe i should write that for my upcoming quiz (Gerenti aku dapat A Mr sebs)

So, today i waited for Tengku Wan Azrie at mcD. Well-maths class supposedly ends at 5 but i was out 2hours earlier ahahaha Put the blame on Dipica. She bribe me and hell yeah- 5hours of maths class, what did u expect?!?! I ain't genius or never interested to be a mathematician. So, right before our gym starts, we went to mcD cos Azrie ni bodoh. He wanted to eat before he starts gyming (bodoh punya apek) haha Then we took the HELP bus, Azrie is kinda jakun cos he naik bus for the 1st time. Seriously spoil brat lah kau ni.

The spoil brat

Mr seb class is the suckiest class eva

Aaron and Omar, stressed cos of maths class

Kar Mun, the SHINOBI

My knee :(

The handicap dude :'(

Gedik vS Jambu

Today things goes so well for me though i didn't do much things~not because I'm lazy alright. It just my ligament is killing me. I received a called from my most gedik bitch this afternoon and yeah his name is Ikmal Aliff Jamaludin (sumpah penat layan kau punya merapu). Thanks to aliph for calling me bitch when Qasmal, my consultant from Fitness First called and now i have a very unique sweet nickname cos of this mamat rempit. Bapak sial kan?!?! haha So, this effers was hoping my ligament could get more worst than what i am suffering now but thank to God and now my knee is feeling much better. Aliph, sumpah aku cakap, tadi that doctor should give u racun so u cepat mampus haha

Aliph si gedik

lets go to the 2nd topic of friends life shall we? I just met someone who i think is awesome and caring !! I can feel the love there haha Unlike si bulat a.k.a aliph, he only wished me to mati earlier instead of me getting better. So, speaking about this mista chef jambu air, his name is Iszraf Asiraf who currently doing practical in Langkawi. I think its in kedah. langkawi is in kedah kan? AHAHAHAHA i've been there but geografi is so not my subject. I even got lost in train from subang to sg buloh and suddenly i realised im in pelabuhan klang. what the feathers kan?!?! Haha

Mr chef jambu air