Life has been crazy. It's like the madness drunk club. You wake up one morning, you got the headache and you forgot everything about lastnight but the remains stick with you. So I’ve been stressing out a little bit lately. I am one of the most screwed up persons that you’ve heard of. I’m collapsing under my insecurity. Crushed by my past, my present, and my future. For I know what lies ahead in this life is sorrow, misery and grief. No one knows this more than I, though people claim I’m too young to fully grasp what life has to offer. So wrong they are. I have life pinned down in its fetal position, screaming its ugly truths to me in terror. I soak it all in. I learn from it. I get depressed from it. Then I stick my head up high and act like nothing bothers me.
It wasn’t until a few months ago that reality hit me like a brick on glass. I shattered, then immediately tried to put myself back together. I spent long nights staring at my ceiling, reflecting on my past. I realized my life is a wreck. It’s depressing to look in a mirror and literally jump back at whose staring back at you, to realize you’ve been living behind a wall of insecurity. And now that wall has come down, exposing me to the real world. Why did life become so hard? I guess it just crept up on me.
My family has been broken ever since before i knew I'm living with a broken family.The message I heard growing up was nothing is absolute, if you hurt me, you deserve my silence and my wrath. Family means nothing, helping a sibling because he is your brother or she's your sister holds no weight and is absolutely meaningless. To say hurtful words to a sibling was completely the norm when I was younger. There was no support, acceptance or even caring. We were constantly testing each other and cared only until the next time one hurt the other. Then the whole relationship was out the window. There was no understanding, no allowance for the rest of the relationship, no crossing the bridge to make things better or work things out. It was all or nothing. Life was one big game of walking on eggshells. This was my first lesson in interpersonal relationships.
Meanwhile I have found and cherish the surrogate family that I have in my life. I have friends that have become my sisters and brothers, those friends that I can share my true feelings, true fears and just to talk through something to find a healthy way through it. In my growth I've learned how powerful it is to look at an issue from the other person's side. I remember the first time I heard this , I couldn't even understand that concept. I've also learned that I cannot change the world and I cannot change another person, what I can change is myself. As Hillel says "if I am not for myself than who am I?" God created me in this reality and with that gave me the power, strength, fortitude and knowledge to change.
I did a lot of mistakes in my life and living in regrets. Whenever I'm stress, I tend to do something stupid. I tried to smoke, I was a drinker and I wasn't like this a year ago. I'm only human when I'm with IAZ. Though family has been broken ever since I was 5, you the only that knows how to calm and carve a smile on my face.
