The Truth.

It has been months since the last I've updated my blog and it's not that I doesn't have interesting story to tell, it just that I'm lost the right words to say and the story isn't exactly what I want to share. But since I have decided to blog again, the story is gonna be about me.

Life has been crazy. It's like the madness drunk club. You wake up one morning, you got the headache and you forgot everything about lastnight but the remains stick with you. So I’ve been stressing out a little bit lately. I am one of the most screwed up persons that you’ve heard of. I’m collapsing under my insecurity. Crushed by my past, my present, and my future. For I know what lies ahead in this life is sorrow, misery and grief. No one knows this more than I, though people claim I’m too young to fully grasp what life has to offer. So wrong they are. I have life pinned down in its fetal position, screaming its ugly truths to me in terror. I soak it all in. I learn from it. I get depressed from it. Then I stick my head up high and act like nothing bothers me.

It wasn’t until a few months ago that reality hit me like a brick on glass. I shattered, then immediately tried to put myself back together. I spent long nights staring at my ceiling, reflecting on my past. I realized my life is a wreck. It’s depressing to look in a mirror and literally jump back at whose staring back at you, to realize you’ve been living behind a wall of insecurity. And now that wall has come down, exposing me to the real world. Why did life become so hard? I guess it just crept up on me.

My family has been broken ever since before i knew I'm living with a broken family.The message I heard growing up was nothing is absolute, if you hurt me, you deserve my silence and my wrath. Family means nothing, helping a sibling because he is your brother or she's your sister holds no weight and is absolutely meaningless. To say hurtful words to a sibling was completely the norm when I was younger. There was no support, acceptance or even caring. We were constantly testing each other and cared only until the next time one hurt the other. Then the whole relationship was out the window. There was no understanding, no allowance for the rest of the relationship, no crossing the bridge to make things better or work things out. It was all or nothing. Life was one big game of walking on eggshells. This was my first lesson in interpersonal relationships.

Meanwhile I have found and cherish the surrogate family that I have in my life. I have friends that have become my sisters and brothers, those friends that I can share my true feelings, true fears and just to talk through something to find a healthy way through it. In my growth I've learned how powerful it is to look at an issue from the other person's side. I remember the first time I heard this , I couldn't even understand that concept. I've also learned that I cannot change the world and I cannot change another person, what I can change is myself. As Hillel says "if I am not for myself than who am I?" God created me in this reality and with that gave me the power, strength, fortitude and knowledge to change.

I did a lot of mistakes in my life and living in regrets. Whenever I'm stress, I tend to do something stupid. I tried to smoke, I was a drinker and I wasn't like this a year ago. I'm only human when I'm with IAZ. Though family has been broken ever since I was 5, you the only that knows how to calm and carve a smile on my face.

You You You And It's Always Been You

I still remember the summer when we first met
The times we spent together I have never been able to forget
Something inside of me told me it was so right
Because even on the cloudiest days, when I was with you, the sun shone so bright

Then, without warning, you just went away
I could never forget how I felt that day
It felt like my world was crashing down around me
Being without you made it hard to breathe

I moved on and started other relationships
But for some reason it was always you that I missed
No matter how hard I tried, you just couldn't be replaced
My love for you would not be erased

After a while, I saw that no one has ever been able to duplicate
Your laugh, your touch, your smile, your face
The way I felt when I was with you was simply unmatched
To you is where my heart has always been attached

HotSexyWickedlyAttractive's Farewell Party

Atok, 1more day to go then u chao for another 1 and a 1/2 years. Sigh. I'm bloody regret on the day we out and sory if i was emo, you know that's not the real me Haha I'm way fun and crazy outside, every time i looked at you, all i think is about you, your flight and your ausie :( That's the main reason why i gave the "goldfish" looks.

I had fun, really really fun. The best part was you and aliph talking about the hormones. Thank you for all the info's about his habits and "YOURS" HAHAHA Aiman, for real I thought you are skematic type, 156% clean and honestly, it makes me uncomfortable with it. I wanted to join the crazy talk, but thanks to you, your leaving makes me really emo -__- Tetek lah kau aiman !! For the very 1st time I've seen Aiman acting randomly and syndrome-ish. So all this time was just an acting with me?!?! HAHA You acted politely when we had lunch, you even censored all the dirty words then suddenly, kabooosh, the real Aiman shows up. However, I really like his new character. Do i look alim much to go for a skematic person? Fuck no HAHA Pening aku layan satu beruk terencat and budak syndrome x)

An hour + passed by, then we make our move to Curve cos he gotta meet up with his friends. So, basically it was just me and Aliph left. While waiting for my atok, we decided to go for an ice cream at baskin's and gossip about our ex'es, crushy and many more to be listed :) It was gila drama, Aliph, the queen of drama. I wonder if Oprah's interested in Aliph's so called "novel". While listening to his stories, it was more like he's the Titanic and I'm the crew. It was very dramatic and very interesting :) But moral of the story, he's an asshole ;) *I dont think I need to state the reasons why* Somehow the day just got more interesting, I met this bunch of group who actually knows me HAHA They know my name and they recognized me with the new looks. I always forgot how famous I am and thanks to all the fans for reminding me who I really am :)

It was about 6.40pm and gedik received a call from atok that he's done with his friends. I feel so sucks for rejecting his request. Aiman wanted to karaoke but thanks to mama for freezing my account and so we end up for bowling. I'm not pro just yet and just so you know, the last time i had bowling was about 2 years ago with the Parma's. I had so much fun since luck was by myside. I think i got strike more than 8-9 times and this is not a lie !! HAHA I can tell by their faces, Aiman was pissed and Aliph punya mulut ternganga lepas i got strike for the first game HAHA ambik korang. I think i learnt something new from Aiman on that day, he thought me dance, a very sexy flirty dance with his sexy postures HAHA * I record that bitch* >:) Bowling game was about to end and thank god it was the last game when my knee's injury attacked. It was sweet of him to give me a ride home and thank you for noticing, yeah the place is fuckin scary HAHA

Atok Damha Namia

The drama queen

The balls doesnt help much, its the skills that required ;)

Aiman with his pro moves

Him and His Ausie

Damha Namia

Damn. Somebody is flying soon and I'm still unprepared. I haven't start any of his grand farewell party although I have lots of plan on my mind. I'm so sorry Aiman :'( Seriously, I really hate seeing you fly but no matter what I have to support you since you going to Ausie for a study :) Trust me, if you leave me for more than a year, you gonna end up people finding u in a sewers !! (I meant it)

Ahmad Aiman bin Ariffin, he is one of my most awesome friends. A guy who is a good listener, trust me he has been my ears since the day i met him. I dont think I ever had a fight with him before, well that's because I'm not aliph HAHAHA and one of the reasons is because he is such a great friend and aku sayang kat kau, Aiman.

We met through a very weird way. I know him through Friendster couple of years ago. Then suddenly we end up being a friend ever since I texted him and was hoping to meet up. The 1st time we met was at the Help University College, it was at conference hall and yeahhh the dude was fucking scared to meet me HAHA We had a gossip and talked a lot while he was having his fries at MC'D, then amazingly we found out that we are neighbors :D I know him too well, one of the things that he randomly do is, he'll sing when he walks, always count his steps, he blow his hair after he got tired of laughing and many other unlisted awesome things about him :)

Aiman Aiman, I really hope that is not true about you leaving to Ausie for a year. 9th of February, 4 more days to go. No worries cos no matter what, I'm happy for you. It's once in a life time opportunity and I'm so visiting you since you going to my hometown :) March, then i promise i will fly to Brisbane then we do all the crazy stuff together. I will do Doa selamat for you, my family and I prayers is on you Ahmad Aiman bin Ariffin. I hope everything will goes well. I'm starting to miss you

sincerely,
Fathur Pattinson

feb 21st

February,

The holy month that scares me the most
Everything about February reminds me of you
Your smell, your touch, your kiss, your breath, your love and all your bitter sweet memories
February, thank you for making me sick again
I can survive on next to nothing
I can get by on rationed loving
But,
I cannot thrive

Dear Holy February,
I stay alive with pinched lips and hungry eyes
I tell myself lies about better tomorrows alibis
To cover the sorrow that i felt inside

As for me
My storehouse has little in store
Winter snows will freeze even my bones
I need more of February

February,
4months has gone
And you have been gone away happily
When February past,
Apart of me died
Tho the Holy scares me
Trust me
Nothing beats this month
Cause February is the best thing i ever had

Two Royalty In Action

What the feathers. I couldn't sleep at all last night cos my knee was throbbing like hell and trust me, it feels shitty. So, today i was 5ominutes late for my morning class. Thank god mama was the one who sent me. I didn't enjoy much in my psychology class today cos seriously, Mr Sebastian were talking mostly about sex Haha Damn, seriously whats with the Anal and Oral has to do with psychology?!?! Maybe i should write that for my upcoming quiz (Gerenti aku dapat A Mr sebs)

So, today i waited for Tengku Wan Azrie at mcD. Well-maths class supposedly ends at 5 but i was out 2hours earlier ahahaha Put the blame on Dipica. She bribe me and hell yeah- 5hours of maths class, what did u expect?!?! I ain't genius or never interested to be a mathematician. So, right before our gym starts, we went to mcD cos Azrie ni bodoh. He wanted to eat before he starts gyming (bodoh punya apek) haha Then we took the HELP bus, Azrie is kinda jakun cos he naik bus for the 1st time. Seriously spoil brat lah kau ni.

The spoil brat

Mr seb class is the suckiest class eva

Aaron and Omar, stressed cos of maths class

Kar Mun, the SHINOBI

My knee :(

The handicap dude :'(

Gedik vS Jambu

Today things goes so well for me though i didn't do much things~not because I'm lazy alright. It just my ligament is killing me. I received a called from my most gedik bitch this afternoon and yeah his name is Ikmal Aliff Jamaludin (sumpah penat layan kau punya merapu). Thanks to aliph for calling me bitch when Qasmal, my consultant from Fitness First called and now i have a very unique sweet nickname cos of this mamat rempit. Bapak sial kan?!?! haha So, this effers was hoping my ligament could get more worst than what i am suffering now but thank to God and now my knee is feeling much better. Aliph, sumpah aku cakap, tadi that doctor should give u racun so u cepat mampus haha

Aliph si gedik

lets go to the 2nd topic of friends life shall we? I just met someone who i think is awesome and caring !! I can feel the love there haha Unlike si bulat a.k.a aliph, he only wished me to mati earlier instead of me getting better. So, speaking about this mista chef jambu air, his name is Iszraf Asiraf who currently doing practical in Langkawi. I think its in kedah. langkawi is in kedah kan? AHAHAHAHA i've been there but geografi is so not my subject. I even got lost in train from subang to sg buloh and suddenly i realised im in pelabuhan klang. what the feathers kan?!?! Haha

Mr chef jambu air

Hell-elujah To Life

" Surgery..Surgery " This bloody words that has been playing on my mind lately. I couldn't decide whether to go for my knee surgery or just stay in pain atleast for another 60years till I'm fully ready. I'm having a knee injury which is called Lateral collateral ligament injury , a complete tear of the ligament on the outside of the knee which is caused from having an extreme exercise.

The place where im gonna get drill by mr doctor

Once the tissue is removed, they gonna put a screw nearby somewhere

Hell Of The Day

Things didnt start well for me since i woke up at 7.30 in the morning today. First, mama was mumbling at the time i opened my eyes because she found out that i just registered my new gym membership at Fitness First. Comon ma ! I just woke up ! If i knew that was gonna happen, i rather die in my sleep than listening to ur 3ominutes of lecture. I was late for my psychology class because i was stuck for listening to my mama's Hot FM and thank god Mr Sebastian is very understanding and know the situation.

Lets go with the 2nd chapter of Fathur's life shall we. It was around 2 or something like that. I was out with Saiful, Omar and Sayed, we were on the way to Castle since maths class was canceled and so we decided to have shisha in the afternoon but things couldnt get any better. I lost my 300bucks which i just withdraw a moment ago. Bloody shit betul Hahaha. This is one of my lucky day, well thats what Sayed said. Thanks mate.

It goes like the 7th floor of hell today. Sigh. But it wasnt all bad because i received a morning wish text from my crushy this morning and thats the only thing that make me smile today :D haha Since my 300bucks got stolen by mr toyol, i end up burning my calories at Fitness First this afternoon for 3 and a 1/2 hours. I bet im gonna be 56 again by the time my crushy reach kl haha

So, tomoro plan is as usual. Im gonna gyming with Asyraf Azahar and Omar Keiser Rasheed. This two bloodypool who smell awesome when they sweat +.+ Anyways, I kinda feel sorry for Wan Azrie, Aliph, Mishal, Carlo, Michael and more of his unlisted friends. Cos i actually did what Aiman Bin Ariffin taught me which is to left his " lemak lemak " friends number at the gym HAHA Goodluck on that guys, u know how persistent those people can be.

Reasons~

First of all i would like to apologies for not updating my blog lately. Im kinda busy with all taiks and stuff. U guys should really start following me on twitter so u will know what has been happening lately ( http://www.twitter.com/fathurharun ). Damn. I havent check on Aiman, Aliph, Fhrie and all my citizen friends on blog. Sigh, i miss u boobies.

Menghilang for 3months. How the fuck am i suppose to update that ?!?! Maybe i should ask Johan to update it for me since he has been with me evryday and yeah, we aint gay aite !! As u know, im still single and it has been 4months. Macam taik. No one can help me to masturbate now HAHA I dont know, lots of friends has been asking me to delete my ex from my system but its kinda hard when ur heart stays with the one u thought it would be ur soulmate.

December has been such an awesome month for me though its a lil bit disaster for a few days but who give a shit. Like what aliph said, life without a drama is not life. We are not Barrack Obama to have a perfect life. Even they have problems and scandal. My big brother, Farhan Harun who successfully got married on the 26th of december and i guess i am soon to be an uncle. CIBAI. Im 19 and yet im gonna be an uncle. Thanks paan for getting married this early.

Whole family members who badget hot

Fathur and Nadia bulat

New year has been sucks for me. I've seen alot of my friends who got laid and drunk on that night and yeaah Pop's is mad with me cos I actually used his condo. Few days ago, i met someone who actually awesome and im kinda inlove haha and we have been chating crazily and laughed alot but im not sure if this goes the way that i want. Love is never meant for me Sigh. So, i heard class has start a week ago but who gives a damn. Im gonna start my class tomoro haha

Alright mates, im gonna update again soon cos its already 12.07am and i have class at 10am tomoro. Have to wake up 3 hours earlier cos the diva needs to get ready for his hair and face :D