Little To Live For

depression and happy, are they much different?

I knew I was feeling down but I didn't know I was clinically depression. I grew up with a lot of hate and fear, anger which kept my health always in a negative frame. As I got older the patterns kept coming such as more abuse in many different ways also causing deep depression and wondering why I was born and why me? I just kept shoving all these nasty feeling further down burying them in my cells so I thought I could escape from them instead of dealing with them, tranquilizers numbed me a bit but never completely, so I just got sicker & sicker physically, emotionally and spiritually. I crossed over as in death through my many illnesses and found myself wondering why I was struggling on this earthplane when it was so peaceful on the other side, the only thing that stopped me was because of someone who very dear to me. I was sick and tired of hating being here and being forever ill in one form or another. It didn't take long to feel even worse discovering that everything that had happened to me was what I had created , boy that one threw me for a loop big time but being very defiant in nature I was about to go on a journey of self healing not really believing yet that it was true to find that under my misery in depression was many layers I had to deal with up front and very personal exposing myself in front of others was a real hard thing to do. How crazy are we to give ourselves a life sentence of misery from what others had done? Probably because deep down I knew I had allowed it all so it was me ,the first one I had to forgive for all my past mistakes in this life and every other lifetime I have ever lived .I even met someone I really love by divine intervention but now that is another story on how that happened.

When your sick to your stomach laying in your bed, your eyes burning with tears, knowing in your heart that your life will never be perfect again. On the edge of throwing up, and waking up the next morning just as sick as you were the night before and the nights before that. Not being able to sleep because you can’t relax your mind with all the debris of the heartache flying around and smashing into each other like uncontrollable emotions stuck in a jail cell. Knowing that you was the one and knowing that I will never have you back is the suckiest feeling I ever had. Scared of being alone but not wanting to be close to anyone ever again. Petrified of ever reliving this feeling because you do not know if you could survive it for a second time. Asking yourself “why” every single night for months. Wondering what is so wrong with you and wondering why the love you feel burning inside you isn’t burning the same way in them. Trying not to break down whenever you pass them or see them in public. Drinking just to keep from thinking of them every night. Still just as in love as the day you met, even though you’ve been apart for over months. Knowing your life will never be what you wanted and knowing you will never be truly happy. Drinking just to forget and calling to hear their voice just to remember. Feeling warm and cold at the same time whenever you see them. Wanting to see them but come so close to cracking when you do, you can’t remember why you do it to yourself. Laying with them on your couch for old times sake but knowing they will never be yours to hold again. You might get a hug but knowing you will never get a hug like you used to get. When you look into their eyes, it’s not the same as when you would get lost in them. The smile can still make you crumble, but it’s more painful these days. Your voice will still make my heart do a flip, but lately the heart hasn’t been landing it’s flips to well and comes close to never getting up. When you hear about them with someone else, it kills you but you act as if you couldn’t care less. You play it off like it’s in the past and it doesn’t matter anymore but deep down you still wish you could just roll over and die. Being so depressed and shy to even let them know how you feel. Scared of saying anything to them out of fear that you might lose the small amount of relationship you have left with them. The occasional phone calls and visits are all that keep you going and you dread the day they end, even though you dread every phone call and visit. Every time you pass where they live, you look for their car in the parking lot. Every time you see their name on the caller ID, they are the first person to be called back, even though you might act like they were your last priority. You sincerely care if their life is on track or if they are truly happy and deep down that is all you really want for them. Even though it kills you not to have them if they are happier without you, that is what you want them to have. This is love. Not the shit in the movies. Not Hollywood. Not what fall out boy sings about. Nothing Madonna has ever experienced. The rare, and powerful emotion that is confused so often for lust.